I have been spending a lot of money on food.


This last weekend I've really started eating badly again.




Tonight a guy asked me on a date.




I accepted, then he cancelled.



I took myself out to get a book, and then falafel.


I then got hot chocolate.


Went home and tied to go to sleep.

Went out and bought cereal in a single-serving Special K Krave cup.

Came home and drank ~6 servings of almond milk.

I saved some at the end to mix with 3+ cups of slow cooking organic oats... uncooked. A couple of mugs of hot chocolate with coconut sugar. Spoonfuls of sweeteners (honey and coconut nectar). Maybe 3/4 a cup of red velvet cake mix... dry. 2 Tablespoons of hard refrigerated coconut butter.

In the fall I wrote a novel. In the fall I wrote 2,000 words a day. If I did math I would translate that into the month-long count of words that I did for the month of November. NaNoWriMo was a cool exercise, with an s; not a z.

In the fall of 2011 I took a morning yoga class. After changing at home, I went to my middle school to interview for a position of employment with the head of school. She told me was that she remembered me as a good writer, after offering me a brownie as she ate salad. In my freshman year I got the highest grade on the final in algebra at this school, and had an essay read to my religion class as an example of a well-done piece. My English teachers told me to work on my grammar. After her lunch, the head of school introduced me to the athletic director. I was offered a position as a basketball assistant coach, but said I had enjoyed running track when I was in high school. He would call me later if he chose to offer me the position. I ate my brother's meatball sub when I returned home after the interview.

I read some tips on how to be a better writer this morning. There is a file of my novel on my old computer, but that computer doesn't work very well since I spilled an entire vase of water into the keyboard as I slept on the soft carpeted rug in my new apartment. Father enters bedroom at childhood home, and addresses adult daughter: "Why do you sleep on the floor?" Adult daughter answers: "It helps my back." Adu- aughter doesn't mention that the bed also isn't made of metal, and that she gets frightened by electromagnetism. The new apartment has metal scaffolding, but I spent a few months sleeping on the floor, regardless.

This morning I read a list of tips that claim to be tools which I can use to be a better writer. I lay on the floor scrolling through them. It was around the completion of snack time when my boyfriend who lives on a different continent asked if I wanted to speak. He said he will most likely get a kitten who is potty trained when he moves to the other side this continent. I said that a kitten would probably be difficult for me to have since I am away from the apartment for many hours during the week.

Then, he took out his lunch. I got up to get dressed but suddenly felt too hungry to go outside. Also, I told him that I was concerned the doorman might say some comment about how I was not going to Lollapalooza this weekend. So I sat down with my spoon, and a few scoops of better-n-peanut butter. I also ate the contents of a can of organic ravioli from a  BPA- free can.

I proceeded to read the internet, and after a couple of short hours, took out my half-the-sugar jam and ate the remainder of the almost-full jar. About 4 tablespoons of raw honey was a supplement when the low-sugar jam as well as the final traces of my full-sugar Strawberry jam were gone. About 1/2 cup of Better-N-Peanut Butter was the last thing I ate. That is quite a bit of energy for a Saturday, so a small glass of ZZZQuil was the next supplement.

oatmeal
tea
wheat
bread
hot chocolate

avocado, cereal and hot chocolate
malt o meal
pasta and dates
potatoes
watermelon

watermelon
dates and tea
bagel

I bought a chicken the other day, as someone with a high vegan diet.

I was in the store stocking up on some food for the weekend, but did not want to get only bread and fat free cool whip.

At the checkout counter I bought a whole chicken. 6.99

I've made it last for 3 full meals so far, eating the marrow and the skin and the cartilage.

I ate almost a full loaf of bread I bought on Thursday night and a sleeve of cinnamon raisin bagels I bought on the way home Wednesday.

I am glad that I bought the chicken.

It saved me from another afternoon of going back and forth between peanut butter and oatmeal.

Last weekend I cried over 5 bowls of dry oatmeal with plenty of soymilk late on Sunday afternoon. I spooned peanut butter and chocolate soy nut butter into my mouth. Some cheese as well.

I had still made the decision to avoid meat.

However, I find that if I allow myself some meat, I do not gorge on fat and carbs as dramatically. It calms the crying.

I do not need a ton of protein, of that I am aware. I live a sedentary life for the most part. But having some B12 and Niacin and all of those things that I would otherwise need to supplement, allows me to feel a little more substance in myself. Gives me a barrier between myself and the world around me.

I am just trying to minimize the self abuse.

Allowing myself to be where I am.
 

"High on Food." 

Walking along the carpet, the energy builds up. My foot hits cold wood and I remember relief. Off to my room again, loaded in yellow and strung through with black. The beehive for one.

My nails scrape the keyboard. They’ve been growing in beautifully. DO they know that their nourishment may be false? How could I tell them? All that matters for now is that I get rid of them.  I need to type. I cut them off at the base. Ugly, stubby nails, hello my friends.

I enter the information on cronometer; 3 packages of cookies. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, pizza, potatoes, a pyre of toast, rice crackers, bowls of cheerios. 4,000 calories by 7:30am. It’s my first day in recovery from the weekend’s apocalyptic binge.

At least I don’t have anywhere to be this morning. A few more laxatives, some anti-inflammatories, probiotics, and caffeine, and I’ll be de-bloated enough to stand and cheer on my anorexic runners during practice this afternoon.

1757 calories surplus so far today. That’s about a 17 mile run.

A small update the current weight goal could provide some psychological relief. Cronometer tells me how to maintain my weight. Maybe I should have my baseline at a higher level. I’m large-framed, so my weight needs to be higher.

It’s just that I was getting too skinny.

But I had tracked my calories in and out the whole time.

I could be hungry, but I know what happens to hungry. It feeds itself. The food goes to the hunger while my body remains uncomfortable, stifled, growing weaker.

This isn’t normal yet. I’m still in a tailspin, but from what?

7/11/09

Oh thank heaven... that my 8 o'clock alarm was neither needed nor heeded.

I spent some bucks:

Grande acid with skim and whole milk; sugar in the raw
lowfat raspberry muffin

I felt so tired, so I made today my second long run day in a row.
More glamorous than wise, but that is the privilege of youth.

9.5 blazing blistered miles

Reese's mini

Slice of veggie pizza, broccoli and tomato sauce.

Spinach, cucumber, broccoli, chickpea, egg, fat-free balsamic
Ice cream paper cup of Fritos, Pretzels and Original Goldfish

lawn of Born To Run

Red delicious apple
1/2 a Ritter Sport

4.5 miles
1/2 hour easy ergometer
Abs and girl-pushups

1/2 a Ritter Sport
MacIntosh apple

2 FRS energy chews