oatmeal
tea
wheat
bread
hot chocolate

avocado, cereal and hot chocolate
malt o meal
pasta and dates
potatoes
watermelon

watermelon
dates and tea
bagel

I bought a chicken the other day, as someone with a high vegan diet.

I was in the store stocking up on some food for the weekend, but did not want to get only bread and fat free cool whip.

At the checkout counter I bought a whole chicken. 6.99

I've made it last for 3 full meals so far, eating the marrow and the skin and the cartilage.

I ate almost a full loaf of bread I bought on Thursday night and a sleeve of cinnamon raisin bagels I bought on the way home Wednesday.

I am glad that I bought the chicken.

It saved me from another afternoon of going back and forth between peanut butter and oatmeal.

Last weekend I cried over 5 bowls of dry oatmeal with plenty of soymilk late on Sunday afternoon. I spooned peanut butter and chocolate soy nut butter into my mouth. Some cheese as well.

I had still made the decision to avoid meat.

However, I find that if I allow myself some meat, I do not gorge on fat and carbs as dramatically. It calms the crying.

I do not need a ton of protein, of that I am aware. I live a sedentary life for the most part. But having some B12 and Niacin and all of those things that I would otherwise need to supplement, allows me to feel a little more substance in myself. Gives me a barrier between myself and the world around me.

I am just trying to minimize the self abuse.

Allowing myself to be where I am.
 

"High on Food." 

Walking along the carpet, the energy builds up. My foot hits cold wood and I remember relief. Off to my room again, loaded in yellow and strung through with black. The beehive for one.

My nails scrape the keyboard. They’ve been growing in beautifully. DO they know that their nourishment may be false? How could I tell them? All that matters for now is that I get rid of them.  I need to type. I cut them off at the base. Ugly, stubby nails, hello my friends.

I enter the information on cronometer; 3 packages of cookies. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, pizza, potatoes, a pyre of toast, rice crackers, bowls of cheerios. 4,000 calories by 7:30am. It’s my first day in recovery from the weekend’s apocalyptic binge.

At least I don’t have anywhere to be this morning. A few more laxatives, some anti-inflammatories, probiotics, and caffeine, and I’ll be de-bloated enough to stand and cheer on my anorexic runners during practice this afternoon.

1757 calories surplus so far today. That’s about a 17 mile run.

A small update the current weight goal could provide some psychological relief. Cronometer tells me how to maintain my weight. Maybe I should have my baseline at a higher level. I’m large-framed, so my weight needs to be higher.

It’s just that I was getting too skinny.

But I had tracked my calories in and out the whole time.

I could be hungry, but I know what happens to hungry. It feeds itself. The food goes to the hunger while my body remains uncomfortable, stifled, growing weaker.

This isn’t normal yet. I’m still in a tailspin, but from what?

7/11/09

Oh thank heaven... that my 8 o'clock alarm was neither needed nor heeded.

I spent some bucks:

Grande acid with skim and whole milk; sugar in the raw
lowfat raspberry muffin

I felt so tired, so I made today my second long run day in a row.
More glamorous than wise, but that is the privilege of youth.

9.5 blazing blistered miles

Reese's mini

Slice of veggie pizza, broccoli and tomato sauce.

Spinach, cucumber, broccoli, chickpea, egg, fat-free balsamic
Ice cream paper cup of Fritos, Pretzels and Original Goldfish

lawn of Born To Run

Red delicious apple
1/2 a Ritter Sport

4.5 miles
1/2 hour easy ergometer
Abs and girl-pushups

1/2 a Ritter Sport
MacIntosh apple

2 FRS energy chews

7/10/09

Red delicious apple

...reading "Born to Run"...

2 FRS chews

2 blueberry muffins
Organic peanut butter
fruit salad
iced tea
a bunch of lemon slices
mug of coffee with soymilk

2 mini York Peppermint Patties

red delicious apple
mac apple

10 miles

shower is ocupado FML

1/2 slice of pizza w/ mushrooms and cucumbers and ketchup
salad w/ cucumber, mushrooms, fruit salad, ff balsamic, 1/2c(?) frozen blueberries
small cup of Fritos, Pretzel and Original Goldfish

red delicious

river and nap

red delicious

grande tea w/ soymilk
nuts n cranberry Luna Bar

7/9/09

reese's mini cup

venti soy misto throughout the day (no joke I just finished it at 7:40pm), which I ordered because they always put too much soymilk, and I wind up buying more coffee later somehow. But I also experimented today by ordering coffee with soymilk, and the cashier practically filled the cup with coffee. I felt like being "this was actually a test, I wanted the grande anyway", but the damage was done, and now I am probably over-caffeinated. Ah well :P

tofu fried rice
small bowl of carrot soup
spinach, iceberg, cucumber, cauliflower salad with fat-free balsamic

mac apple

reese's mini
mini charleston chew
mac apple
2 FRS energy chews

8 min miles for 5.5 miles

mini charleston chew
red delicious apple

multivitamin, 2 fish oil caplets, probiotic

grande london fog (sweetened) soy latte
KIND cranberry almond bar given a piece to Alyssa